now, I really feel sad

today, I asked him that do you want me to go to Germany
and he said no
the reason is because he thinks that I won't be happy in Germany.
I feel a bit disappointment
I realised that actually, he doesn't want me to go to Germany and he will let this relationship disappear as time goes by.
I think the reason is because he think I won't be happy in Germany if I can't not get the job.
The thing is he even hasn't had the idea that to try to get a job in Germany.
These days, I didn't many things for him as long as he asked me...
I don't like to be a person who always gives.
I don't know why I need to help him to do everything here if he doesn't take our relationship seriously.
he always asks me to help him because he can't speak Chinese here.
As a result, he can't communicate people and to solve his problems.
But he said, he will feel annoy when I go to Germany because he has to do the same things to me.
I feel really shock because he even didn't want to try.
God...
Additionally, I almost can't find anything which he helped me until now. Although I do my best to search it from my memory. The most important thing to make me feel sad is that he doesn't want to do anything to keep our relationship. Only me, like a fool, try every possible way to go to Germany to stay with him...
I can't see any ambition through his eyes to keep our relationship.....
I do realllllllllly saaaaaaaaaaad...this time...
God bless me.....

These days

These days, I have had some happiness and some sorrow between Alexander and me.
The threat to lose him is getting more that causes me become abnormal as usual.
I almost feel sad everyday because I am afraid that I will lose him.
Meanwhile, I can feel he doesn't want to do me any favor to help me work in Germany. Consequently, I feel disappointed because I really want to go there. Obviously, there seems no future between us in spit of we love each other. I just want back to the original me instead of being a weird girl.
Actually, I should trust him more because he will leave me if he doesn't love me anymore.
So, why do I need to be a girl who doubts him a lot?
Ich lebe ihn immer mehr aber nur wenig futur.