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I found we hurt each other when we have an argument at that moment.
All the words we are using at that moment are sharp and harmful.
After that, I always regret all what I said to him.
I feel sorry about what I said to hurt him.
I don't know cos it makes me feel angry when he becomes impatient to me
Maybe it's because I think I did a lot for him but he is still not satisfied at what I did.
However, I love him so much
that's why I feel sad when I said something to hurt him.
but I also feel sad about his saying which is harmful,
I miss him a lot everyday and I am so scared that I am gonna lose him soon.

can we make it?

Carina
01:24

hi, how are you doing? I want to tell you something that is we may need to consider that we should look for the partner who can be aside with us, who can share the life experience together. I don't mean I don't love you, but I just think it seems hard to share the life with each other together. I love you, and I want to experience the life with you but it seems hard to make it. I just want to say, if you are seeing somebody, you should go for her instead of choosing me who can't be aside with you. I love you and miss you, darling



This might be the last SMS which I sent to Alex. It is so hard to say it cos I love him so much. He has become my first thing everyday. I always want to share with him about what happens everyday of me. However, I don't know when we can live together again. It might be after three months, six months, or one year, or maybe we won't live together anymore. It has become so difficult to live here aline everyday since he left. I love him.
Dear God, please help me to break through this obstacle. I beg you, God.

the last priority

I think I am not the most important person for my partner, cos I am the last priority for him.
I don't have any bravery to confirm it.

I don't want to be treated like her

I remember when I was in the UK.
He lived with me and we had a lot of fun.
There was always a girl who called her in the afternoon or evening.
He always talked to her gentle and with soft tone.
He usually told her what happened recently, but she never knew there was a girl next to the guy.
I am afraid I will be the same girl like her.
I don't wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt it.

unhappy

I don't know why I can't type loughborough again just because he said the web page is not finished yet.
I still don't get the point, and I think I can do what I want
I did hear he said it was not finished yet, but it doesn't mean I couldn't search it again by myself.
it was really disappointed...
I really don't know hoe to do when he feel annoyed.
I don't know how to do when he behaves impatient.
I still can't forgive him that he tear the cardboard out from the TV.
He doesn't care about that I want to practice English.
He only thinks he wants to read the Chinese which he thinks it is useless.

three times today

Today, I felt like something wrong cos he only talked to me three times which were to ask me something.
first, to ask me whether I can help to top up the credit of skype
second, to ask me to top up the credit for his friend who would help his thesis
third, to ask me to do a trial to ensure his website is woking

I did my best to come back in order to see him and to chat with him about what happened with each other....
it seems hard to make it

I think that's why I cried

to work in Germany seems not impossible but difficult

The feeling to work in Germany normally comes out regularly.
It has happened again these days and I also started to think about this question seriously.
I started to look for some information through BBS, Blog or some forums.
Normally, the information which I have got is usually difficult, but this time, the news seems better.
I found that it seems not impossible to get a job without a criteria that is be able to speak German fluently.
Some people still can get the job even though they can't speak English.
However, their advantage is that they have working permission because they are married.
I can't....

something seems happened

our relationship is getting better but there seems not as close as I suppose,
I don't know what chemical thing happened.
sometimes, I feel like we won't be close anymore.
I am scared.

donno why

I don't know why he always says I give him the pressure.
He wastes his time during the day time to sleep or to chat with his friends.
As a result, he doesn't have time to share what happens during the day to me, because he has to study.
If I say: please try to use the day time and to spend the evening with me, and he will say I give him pressure.
In my opinion, we can't spend time with each other during the day time, so for sure, I hope we can spend some time in the evening.
Am I wrong?
In spite, I told him that I feel sad because I didn't have any progress in my German.
The response which I have got is that I give him the pressure.
I spent time to correct his Chinese but he didn't spend the time to teach my German as long as mine.
I even have to post a notice to look for the language exchange.
What a shame for me...
Everyone asks me why I have to look for another one.
I have already had the one who can practice German with me.
I don't know why.
He says he loves me so much...but I don't know.
He said I bothered him a lot because I sent him 10 SMS someday.
It's just because I missed him.
Anyway, as long as he feels stressed, he starts to challenge me everything.
That's him.

he has never told me about what he talked to his families

He has never told me about what he talked to his mum and dad if I didn't ask him
however, he always asks me what I talk to my friends or chat with my friends in the msn...
I don't know why.....jaja
he doesn't like me to ask too much but he always asks me about the same stuff...even though the SMS...

I can feel it

I can feel he loves me and I am important for him.
I love him as well and hope he can feel that he is important for me.
It's enough~

會呼吸的痛

想念是會呼吸的痛 它活在我身上所有角落
哼你愛的歌會痛 看你的信會痛
連沈默也痛

遺憾是會呼吸的痛 它流在血液中來回滾動
後悔不貼心會痛 恨不懂你會痛
想見不能見最痛

沒看你臉上 張揚過哀傷
那是種多麼 寂寞的倔強
你拆了城牆 讓我去流浪

你回來那就好了

能重來那就好了

I have experienced the relationship which is the most truly, wholeheartly hurt but the sweetest n lovely

He told me he have decided to separate after he go back after threes months.
I said it's fine for me if you say so, even thought my heart is bleeding at that moment.
He told me many reasons such as culture issue, communication problems, we won't speak the native language of each others, I can't get the job in Germany because of language and I won't be happy to be a hausfrau.
I was quiet to listen what he said and to see his eyes with tears.
I asked him how many possibility we will be together after he go back, and I helped him to answer this question,
first, he will say he doesn't know.
second, the possibility is like only 10 %
it hurt me soooooooooooooooooooooooo much and it's hard to express how painful I feel.
It's like a glass which is shot by a gun suddenly
I think I can t do anything because I can feel he is trying to convince ourselves that we won t make it.
Consequently, it seems useless and hopeless to say anything no matter how much I want to solve it.
He was asking me why I love him so much...
my answer was that nobody is like him who always try to make me laugh a lot and to hold me like that
I do really want to say I don t love him and it would be easier for me to get rid of this sadness.
before tomorrow, I still hold a little tiny hope that we can make it, but now, he has totally destroyed my wish.
It s ok because relationship is composed of two people.
I won t force him if he is not interested in me.
I just wanna say it is so painful like a sharp knife which can t stopping lunging into my heart.
I am sure I will miss him so much and I know it will take a long time until when that I can't predict.
I don t regret because I chose it when I met him in Lufbra.
Now, I have experienced the relationship which is the most truly, wholeheartly hurt but the sweetest n lovely.

now, I really feel sad

today, I asked him that do you want me to go to Germany
and he said no
the reason is because he thinks that I won't be happy in Germany.
I feel a bit disappointment
I realised that actually, he doesn't want me to go to Germany and he will let this relationship disappear as time goes by.
I think the reason is because he think I won't be happy in Germany if I can't not get the job.
The thing is he even hasn't had the idea that to try to get a job in Germany.
These days, I didn't many things for him as long as he asked me...
I don't like to be a person who always gives.
I don't know why I need to help him to do everything here if he doesn't take our relationship seriously.
he always asks me to help him because he can't speak Chinese here.
As a result, he can't communicate people and to solve his problems.
But he said, he will feel annoy when I go to Germany because he has to do the same things to me.
I feel really shock because he even didn't want to try.
God...
Additionally, I almost can't find anything which he helped me until now. Although I do my best to search it from my memory. The most important thing to make me feel sad is that he doesn't want to do anything to keep our relationship. Only me, like a fool, try every possible way to go to Germany to stay with him...
I can't see any ambition through his eyes to keep our relationship.....
I do realllllllllly saaaaaaaaaaad...this time...
God bless me.....

These days

These days, I have had some happiness and some sorrow between Alexander and me.
The threat to lose him is getting more that causes me become abnormal as usual.
I almost feel sad everyday because I am afraid that I will lose him.
Meanwhile, I can feel he doesn't want to do me any favor to help me work in Germany. Consequently, I feel disappointed because I really want to go there. Obviously, there seems no future between us in spit of we love each other. I just want back to the original me instead of being a weird girl.
Actually, I should trust him more because he will leave me if he doesn't love me anymore.
So, why do I need to be a girl who doubts him a lot?
Ich lebe ihn immer mehr aber nur wenig futur.

feel better now

sometimes, I found that I don't need to do too much things or to put him in my first priority, because no matter how much I did for him or how well I performed. I still will be blamed if I make a little mistake. I think there is a bit disappointment. In our culture, we will appreciate what other people do for us, and as well as, we will ignore it if those people make little mistakes. For them, it seems not. He always blames me as long as I make a mistake, no matter how small the mistake is.
Maybe it is not good for us to stay together, then we won't have any conflict anymore. I think I will have another problem with another one. It will happen to him as well. So I think it doesn't matter who you stay with, it's only about how strong you eager to solve the problem between you and him. I love him, and I want to try it.

feel better now after I wrote it. due to I make my thinking clear...hehe

I am afraid

I am afraid to lose you